how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
