John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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