It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
