I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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