90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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