God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I think i got beer on your cat.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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