Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm too high and old for this...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
