I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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