You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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