You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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