I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you win again, gameday.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize