Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
