onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i will never coherently bang her
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize