if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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