So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
