my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
