I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
