Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
