so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to calm my uterus...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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