the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
