Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
