DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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