matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
