i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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