and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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