I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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