my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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