they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I need a beard to bite.
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