im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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