It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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