I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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