didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
