He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
