I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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