Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize