Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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