Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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