he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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