Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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