wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
