Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
