For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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