just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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