Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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