Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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