I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
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