She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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