There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
