Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
