Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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