so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
