I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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