she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
