let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
