Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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