just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize