I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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