I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just cropdusted the office
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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