My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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