Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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