I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
